kindergarten humor

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk
Everyone else in the room stops to listen
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the
locker room are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane,that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss,if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked